Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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