I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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