I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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