Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Im part way to drunk.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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