my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
