Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Well I just put wine in my tea
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
