she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
