I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
you didnt know i had herpes?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
