When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
