Rock
Scissors
Fuck
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
