You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
