we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
