Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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