did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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