I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
