Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
