things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
