if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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