Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize