great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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