Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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