i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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