I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
