it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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