dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
