I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Randomize
