Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
