I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
