Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
