remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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