Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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