there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
