thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
