Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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