I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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