I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
