i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
