True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
