; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
