sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
So squirting runs in the family.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
