I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
