I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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