she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
