got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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