his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I am spending my child support on dildos
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
