i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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