just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
