3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
