I wish I could punch you in the face.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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