Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
