can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Randomize