Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
