my being single is dangerous.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
