just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize