I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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