Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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