dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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