When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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