I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
