I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize