So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize