Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
