I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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