What a fucking waste of an outfit
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
It's official drugs can't kill me
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
